arashi, arashi, for dream.

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Low self-esteem

Friday, June 13, 2008, 11:11 AM

WARNING: HUGE RANT. You'd better not read. Just let me rant so I might feel better.

I. Am. Suffering from low self esteem again. After viewing approximately 2 hours of artwork, designs, photo manipulations, drawings and stuff by people with exceptionally professional design skills, I feel miserable. As usual, all these people are SELF-taught. Like everyone else on the internet. So I have every reason to look down on myself and be jealous of them. I do not compare myself with people who have no experience with photoshop - that's a very despicable way to make myself feel better because it's not a fair comparison.

Oh man. I don't want to do my homework. I want to learn. I want to start learning how to do photo manipulations. To make my own pretty brushes (Note: I know how to make brushes - just that all are terribly hideous), pretty patterns, pretty textures, awfully moving photo manipulations, I want to do that pretty vector thing. I want to use the pen tool to make those awfully classy tentacles, flowers, bursts of colour, shiny starry galaxy backgroundy-things, blend, do proper lighting and shadowing in photo manipulations, awesome colouring effects, SOTD. Yes I want SOTD. But I won't go around asking people to rate me 5 so I can get it. I'll earn it. I won't despicably self-advertise on others' skins. I want to earn it fair and square. But I probably won't ever earn it. Not when O levels are coming, performances, and not when real life gets in the way of my online life. How I wish I have all my revision and homework complete. How I wish I have perfected my choral singing. So I can get a life. So I can get a life online without any worry.

I wonder if getting into poly will help. Doubt it. They'll start teaching all those theory things. How did I get into this mess? I'm starting to wonder which one is me - Is music my life (I thought it was in May)? Or is the computer and the internet my life (I'm starting to think this way in June)? Edward or Jacob? EDWARD<3, DUH! Music or internet? Umm...

On a happier note, Jia Xuan finally created her own blog. Oh finally. (: But I'll link her when her blog is more complete. And I don't approve of the skin (yesterday I approved but this morning I found out something) she's chosen because I just found out that the person who made it RIPPED off http://www.portfelia.com. I'll let her know about it when I get the chance to so she can change it.

I WANT MORE TIME! TIME TIME TIME! Most of my peers all have branded goods on their wishlist in their blog. I have some material wants, yes, but the thing I really yearn for most is TIME. Give me more time. I can't finish my holiday homework.

End of rant. I feel worse than ever.

Labels: designer's block, rant